Football violence --- in the home

I haven't posted for a while but this morning I heard some disturbing statistics, apparently, during the world cup in 2006, 25% more women reported incidents of Domestic Violence. Probably due to frustration and extra alchohol consumption.

Please, please, please, if this is happening to you then do get in touch with someone, there really is a lot of help out there if you can be brave enough to ask for it. Ring the Women's Aid Helpline, (I will find the number and put it up on here)

here

or contact 'Refuge' the link is on the right hand side of my home page. If not you can always send me a message in confidence, I am here to help if I can.

Don't despair!!! xxx

Killing time

Those of you who read my blog regularly will know that I am not working. After graduating from University this was originally not for want of trying. Then due to endless rejections and growing debt I became depressed and then found I couldn't work. The growing anxiety made attending interviews almost impossible. At this time I met the man who, in my early posts you will remember, was the reason for this blog's origin and title. As a result of becoming involved with him I ended up in a women's refuge. My depression at this time, as you might expect, became more acute. Then my home was repossessed and I lost a huge amount of money. I am now in a tiny one bedroom flat which I rent. I like my little flat but it isn't mine and I will probably never own a property again.

I would dearly like to believe that I will one day get a job that I enjoy and that will earn enough money that I can really enjoy the lovely things in life again. Things like holidays, the theatre, visiting people and places and buying lovely clothes and treating my sons and my friends.

Now this post might seem like a self pitying ramble, we all know people who are much much worse off than I am. I have my health, my children, friends, a roof over my head, I am surrounded by lovely countryside, I live in a pretty town. All of these things are great and I know I am lucky in many respects.

But the continual penny pinching, the always counting the days to my next benefit payment, the constant decisions as to whether I can have a bottle of wine or some decent food or neither is very wearing on my well being as well as my self esteem. I do a couple of afternoons as a volunteer for Age Concern and this helps me feel in a sense that I am working for my supper. But I no longer feel part of ordinary society. I can't afford a contract telephone and anyway because of the repossession and past debts wouldn't get a contract anyway. So I have a pay as you go mobile which is expensive and at times inconvenient for those who wish to contact me. All of these things serve to make a person feel isolated from the rest of society. I am in an awkward place to get tv channels so I can only get two channels clearly.

I am writing this blog because there must be thousands of people like me, or worse off. I AM lucky because of friends and family. Some people don't have these. I don't have a partner which can be pretty lonely at times, in fact I don't think I have much to bring to the table, but I don't live in a high rise flat where I am scared to step outside my door. There are many bad things said about those of us who are on benefits, But it is no great shakes believe me. My sense of purpose, focus, or even my sense of who I am has disappeared. I no longer have many choices and with that comes a sense of hopelessness.

I am having some cognitive behavioural therapy in the hope that I can get over my anxiety and go through an interview. I am on anti depressants and they help me to keep on an even keel. But at 55 my chances of getting a decent job are not that likely.

Things happen to people in life, and my friends would tell you I have managed pretty well considering, so for those people who believe that the unemployed are scroungers and are better off than those that are working long hours for a low pay, I would say, you just try it.

Love is in the air.

A while ago I lived in a big detached house with a half an acre garden, which was full of wild life. Common visitors were squirrels, hedgehogs, foxes and badgers. Birds of many varieties I fed regularly. On moving to my tiny flat on the second floor in the middle of a town, there has been very little wild life to see. There are of course gulls and crows and the odd little sparrow and last summer swifts regaled me with their intricate areal displays. But I am rather delighted to say that a pair of ring necked doves have taken up residence under the base of the fire escape just outside my kitchen window. I have been intrigued over the last week or so as to what they were up to, flying in and out of what seemed to be a very small gap and then at the weekend they were arriving with twigs in their beaks and appear to be building a nest. They are a sweet little couple who bill and coo in the, ever so slightly warmer, approaching spring air.

I believe these doves mate for life and this makes the story even more romantic. I will keep you posted over the next month or so as to the progress of this, quite handsomely dressed, obviously happy, pair of newly weds.

A geat band with an interesting message...

I thought this song and video would be relevent to the subject of Domestic Violence.

I'm so excited

I am sooooooooooooo excited. I have just spent half an hour watching a SEAL playing in the river!!!! He was just swimming around and diving and coming up and looking up at me (-: I was about 10 yards away. I just sat on a jetty and watched him for ages. Woo Hoo!!

I had been at work (cleaning) and the lady I clean for came rushing down the stairs saying, quick Sue look in the river, but he had gone )-: So I got her binoculars and I could see his head bobbing around in the distance. When I finished work I walked along the river bank and sure enough there he/she was (-: Fab !!




My mobile took a poor photo, looks like a tadpole )-:

The intelligence of birds ...

This morning I was up with the lark (well nearly). Why? Because I had to move my car. There had been a hard frost overnight, the pavements were all spangled and it took me a good ten minutes to clear my windscreen.

I returned to my little flat, out of breath because of the cold air. It felt warm and cosy and I made myself the first cup of tea of the day and sadly smoked my first cigarette.

Most mornings, after breakfast I throw the left over crusts and crumbs out onto the flat roof below my window for the gulls and crows.

This morning, I guess they must have seen my light on, as I was enjoying the above cup of tea and cigarette, there was a loud tapping on my window.

Oy, you in there, tap tap, we're hungry ...

Ring out the old...

Well it has been a while, not sure why. Christmas I suppose and all the leading up to it. Well it is over and not to sound too humbug I'm glad.

Last year had its moments of great sadness for my loved ones and I am pleased it is over.

One momentous thing that happened just before it ended was that I sold a painting. It was my first original sold to the general public and (even better) it was for reasonable money. It was an exciting and delightful moment. A real acknowledgement that others like my work. I'm pretty chuffed actually.

There is a lovely cafe, just around the corner from my flat, which has kindly allowed me to hang two of my paintings on the wall. They have been hanging there, among many others painted by local artists, for the last three months or so. It was of 'Sunflowers in a Terracotta Pot.' I therefore have done better than Vincent, even though there is no comparison, in selling at least one of my paintings before I die.

Just think how things come about. If I had not gone into 'The Refuge' I would never have realised I could paint. Thank you dear Alison!

The New Year will hopefully bring more of the same as the money is pretty useful. I intend to join an art class to learn how to be more free and experimental and to learn new techniques. I am self taught and my work is pretty naive.

A sad note is that I heard today that the above mentioned cafe is to close. She just couldn't make it pay. It is moving to Hove, so I hope to pop along there sometime in the future. If you are ever out that way, take a look. It is called 'The Artisan', the food is good and the staff are really friendly and the arty ambiance is really lovely. I do hope it works out for her.

I do hope the New Year brings better things for my loved ones and, selfishly, for little ol me too.

To those who are reading this my best wishes go to you too.

Happy New Year! xx