Nature's Bounty

I have been having a tricky time just recently. I had my incapacity benefit suspended after a medical assessment under the new government ruling. At the time my Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit were also suspended. I therefore had no income of any kind which has been very worrying. I have been to the Council Offices, the CAB, the Job Centre, everywhere and anywhere in order to understand what benefits I should now apply for pending an appeal. The letters were all so ambiguous and I didn't know which form to fill in.

At the same time I had an exploratory procedure to determine whether some post menopausal bleeding was anything to worry about. The procedure showed up a thickening of the womb lining and I had to have a general anaesthetic to take a deeper look and a biopsy of the lining.

This has all been quite traumatic and on the day before my operation a friend was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. This brought my own concerns to the fore and I was a bit emotional that evening.

The next day I heard that my Housing Benefit and Council Tax benefit had been re-instated which was a relief as my rent was pending. I went off for my op and the doctor says everything looks fine and although they took a biopsy he felt there was nothing to worry about. This was a great relief too.

So yesterday, a friend and I went for a long walk in the sunshine along the river Ouse, we saw Egrets and a Heron, shoals of Grey Mullet and Dippers skimming the water. The trees through the woods are starting to change colour and there is an abundance of berries of every kind. Blackberries, Elderberries, Rose Hips, and some beautiful translucent scarlet berries which I have since discovered are Guelder Rose Berries.





I even caught the sun on my face and I felt really lucky and glad to be alive on such a day.








Because of having to go into hospital I couldn't attend a friend's launch party for the Somerset Arts week Exhibition . She is an artist of the most exquisite kind see here . The Exhibition is from Saturday 18th September until 3rd October,11 am till 6pm. (closed Mondays) here

Escape to the country ...

I have recently had the pleasure of visiting my sister down in Dorset. It was a lovely yet emotional visit. My poor niece, who is suffering from some mysterious illness post Glandular Fever, made heroic efforts to be sociable and accompany me on sight seeing trips which of course she found exhausting. My son, who is at present suffering from a broken heart, also joined us and allowed me to be motherly and caring and although it was hard for him was comforted by being surrounded by a loving family. My brother and his daughter also came down and also my musical young nephew.

The week was clouded by fear for my sister's very poorly dog cocoa. Who at twelve and recently diagnosed with a tumour suddenly refused food or drink. Everyone prepared themselves for the worse when we took her to the vet but after a stay overnight and an anti-biotic rallied to her usual lovable self. Apparently she had an infection and all is well for the present.

While I was there my sister lent me a book which I have recently, reluctantly finished reading. It was a rare treat. An uplifting little book which was a cross between Cold Comfort Farm ( A favourite novel of mine) and a true historical account of life during occupation in WW2.

The Book is called The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, and was written by Mary Ann Shaffer (deceased) and finished by her niece Annie Barrows. It is a delightful story written in letter form, it is both warming and sad and also very funny. I felt as if I had actually met all the characters. I loved it!

I hope to return to Dorset very soon. I have such a wonderful family. When I am with them I feel as if I am in a book!

Seraphine

Last night I went with a close friend to see a film called 'Seraphine', it is a French film with subtitles, it is based on a true story about a simple cleaning woman in Northern France who has a rare artistic talent (played brilliantly by actress Yolande Moreau). Her canvases are discovered by chance by a famous German art critic, Wilhelm Uhde (Ulrich Tukur), when he happens to move to the area. He is already a champion for artists such as Picasso and Rousseau.

He begins purchasing and championing her work, though sadly his efforts on her behalf are interrupted by World War I.

After the war, the artist and her patron are reunited, with Seraphine finally achieving the fame and riches commensurate with her talents. Unfortunately, she's unable to handle her new found success and begins to suffer a devastating emotional unraveling which results in her admittance to a psychiatric hospital where she remains for the rest of her life.

Her name was Seraphine de Senlis and this is an example of her work, she made her own paints out of animal blood, flowers and candlewax and had no training at all - I think they are amazing.

Women's Aid

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/default.asp

Football violence --- in the home

I haven't posted for a while but this morning I heard some disturbing statistics, apparently, during the world cup in 2006, 25% more women reported incidents of Domestic Violence. Probably due to frustration and extra alchohol consumption.

Please, please, please, if this is happening to you then do get in touch with someone, there really is a lot of help out there if you can be brave enough to ask for it. Ring the Women's Aid Helpline, (I will find the number and put it up on here)

here

or contact 'Refuge' the link is on the right hand side of my home page. If not you can always send me a message in confidence, I am here to help if I can.

Don't despair!!! xxx

Killing time

Those of you who read my blog regularly will know that I am not working. After graduating from University this was originally not for want of trying. Then due to endless rejections and growing debt I became depressed and then found I couldn't work. The growing anxiety made attending interviews almost impossible. At this time I met the man who, in my early posts you will remember, was the reason for this blog's origin and title. As a result of becoming involved with him I ended up in a women's refuge. My depression at this time, as you might expect, became more acute. Then my home was repossessed and I lost a huge amount of money. I am now in a tiny one bedroom flat which I rent. I like my little flat but it isn't mine and I will probably never own a property again.

I would dearly like to believe that I will one day get a job that I enjoy and that will earn enough money that I can really enjoy the lovely things in life again. Things like holidays, the theatre, visiting people and places and buying lovely clothes and treating my sons and my friends.

Now this post might seem like a self pitying ramble, we all know people who are much much worse off than I am. I have my health, my children, friends, a roof over my head, I am surrounded by lovely countryside, I live in a pretty town. All of these things are great and I know I am lucky in many respects.

But the continual penny pinching, the always counting the days to my next benefit payment, the constant decisions as to whether I can have a bottle of wine or some decent food or neither is very wearing on my well being as well as my self esteem. I do a couple of afternoons as a volunteer for Age Concern and this helps me feel in a sense that I am working for my supper. But I no longer feel part of ordinary society. I can't afford a contract telephone and anyway because of the repossession and past debts wouldn't get a contract anyway. So I have a pay as you go mobile which is expensive and at times inconvenient for those who wish to contact me. All of these things serve to make a person feel isolated from the rest of society. I am in an awkward place to get tv channels so I can only get two channels clearly.

I am writing this blog because there must be thousands of people like me, or worse off. I AM lucky because of friends and family. Some people don't have these. I don't have a partner which can be pretty lonely at times, in fact I don't think I have much to bring to the table, but I don't live in a high rise flat where I am scared to step outside my door. There are many bad things said about those of us who are on benefits, But it is no great shakes believe me. My sense of purpose, focus, or even my sense of who I am has disappeared. I no longer have many choices and with that comes a sense of hopelessness.

I am having some cognitive behavioural therapy in the hope that I can get over my anxiety and go through an interview. I am on anti depressants and they help me to keep on an even keel. But at 55 my chances of getting a decent job are not that likely.

Things happen to people in life, and my friends would tell you I have managed pretty well considering, so for those people who believe that the unemployed are scroungers and are better off than those that are working long hours for a low pay, I would say, you just try it.

Love is in the air.

A while ago I lived in a big detached house with a half an acre garden, which was full of wild life. Common visitors were squirrels, hedgehogs, foxes and badgers. Birds of many varieties I fed regularly. On moving to my tiny flat on the second floor in the middle of a town, there has been very little wild life to see. There are of course gulls and crows and the odd little sparrow and last summer swifts regaled me with their intricate areal displays. But I am rather delighted to say that a pair of ring necked doves have taken up residence under the base of the fire escape just outside my kitchen window. I have been intrigued over the last week or so as to what they were up to, flying in and out of what seemed to be a very small gap and then at the weekend they were arriving with twigs in their beaks and appear to be building a nest. They are a sweet little couple who bill and coo in the, ever so slightly warmer, approaching spring air.

I believe these doves mate for life and this makes the story even more romantic. I will keep you posted over the next month or so as to the progress of this, quite handsomely dressed, obviously happy, pair of newly weds.