Gain and Loss...

Well, on Wednesday my money finally arrived. After many many days of frustration it has finally plopped unceremoniously (except by me) into my bank account. I stood in the centre of my little flat and I shouted at the top of my voice and then I cried and cried with absolute relief. It is over, it is finally over.

That evening I went to Waitrose and bought a 'decent' bottle of wine, an extra sweet pineapple, some raspberries and some clotted cream. All expensive, all deliciously decadent and all consumed with relish.

Since then I have dined on mince and slices of quince
Which I ate with a runcible spoon;
And glass in hand, on the edge of the sand,
I have danced by the light of the moon ...



I have a very close friend who is suffering very badly from tooth decay. His problems began as a small boy when an accident caused broken teeth and nerve damage and an ongoing problem. He used to keep a close eye on them with constant regular trips to the dentist in the times when dental care was free. But since then, as he is very low earner, he has been unable to do this. This is a terrible indictment of our times. The problem now is past repair and his only choice is to have all his teeth removed. He is not a vain man, but the thought of false teeth is depressing him dreadfully.

At the moment he finds eating very painful and is losing weight at a pretty rapid rate. He desperately hopes that he will win the lottery so that he can have dental implants. This is his dream. Even having dentures will be difficult for him to afford. There are many jobs that he would apply for (having a brain the size of this planet) but his appearance would be a real problem. He hardly smiles because of self consciousness

I wish 'Jim'll fix it' still existed because I would put him forward for a makeover. It makes me very sad and angry on his behalf.

The financially disadvantaged only have the choice of rotten teeth or a mouth full of plastic. Not much of a choice really.

It is Cold.

It is cold.

I sat there drink in hand
the others had left, I was sad
but I thought
drink up and go out into the cold again

You came in, a stranger, a big man,
almost ugly, with a battered, used face.
And I thought
drink up and go out into the cold again

You talked to me and bought me a drink
we smoked and you bought me another
and then I
drank up and went out into the cold again.

But you followed me and asked me for my number
and I said no, so you gave me yours
I walked away, but I was smiling
and I didn't feel so cold.

One day I saw you, taking cash from a machine.
We smiled and said hello
and I hurried away, shy
and then was sorry that I hadn't stayed to talk.

So I texted you, and you were glad
and we started going out.
You were different, a rough diamond,
unpolished and bemused, and I started to feel warm again.

But I didn't know you. You would not share your past.
You told me your life had been bad and you wanted to start again.
Then one night, they took you away.
And I was out there in the cold again.

I believed in you, and I visited you in that place.
You said there had been a mistake
and it would all come right again.
You expected me to leave and so I stayed.

But then the police came
and told me what you'd done
No, I cried, it can't be true.
But it was and so I left you.

But now you will not let me go
and I am trapped and you are free
now I am in a prison
and it is very cold inside.

Patience.

I have discovered over the last eighteen months that I am an extremely patient person. I did not know this, in fact my parents always suggested the opposite. I have waited and waited and waited for my flat to sell, have lost most of the equity I had in it and still I wait.

I loathe and despise Mortgage Companies, Estate Agents and Solicitors!!

They never phone when they say they will.

They say they have sent letters when they obviously haven't.

They say they have not received letters when they obviously have.

There is always a break down in communication or a person off sick or a lost file or even all three companies have burned to the ground losing all traces of my details.

They still have my money and I am still struggling to manage financially.

I have never felt so angry in all of my life. The helplessness and frustration is physical and I want to smash them in their nasty smug faces.

Tomorrow I go to Belgium to visit my sister. I swore I would not go again unless I could pay my way and I only agreed to go because of the promise of this money. So off I go on the charity of my family once again.

Please please please give me my money so I can get back my self respect and start my life again...