Off with their heads...

I am typing this at work because at present I do not have much to do and I feel the need to write something or my head might explode. All around me people are losing theirs and blaming it on everyone else. The atmosphere here is awful, I just want to go home and sink a bottle of white wine. I am one of the lucky ones, my contract has been renewed for another 6 months but I feel as if I am knitting by the guillotine. Those that have not been so lucky are huddling in corners or sneaking out for secret meetings, some are in tears, some angry, some bitter, some silent, some verbal in their fear and disgust at the way things have been managed.

I just want to hug them all and tell them it will be OK, but I know that for some of them it won't be. There are no jobs out there! Some have families, some are nearing retirement age, one person has a profound hearing disability. I am trying to be supportive and positive but I can't joke with my other colleagues, it is inappropriate and so the tension is almost unbearable. Why not just pay them their redundancy and let them go. It would be fairer for all. They are having to come in day after day knowing that the shape of the company is changing and there are new jobs being created for money makers. I just don't want to be here and to be truthful if I didn't have to work I would leave. I don't trust the integrity of the management anymore in fact it is hard to believe anything we are being told.



Well that has got that off my chest, I'll just have to keep my head down and get through the next month without screaming. At least I still have my head - for the moment .....

A birthday lunch ...

On Saturday it was my niece Becky's birthday. I, another niece and Becky decided to have lunch at a little restaurant near the pavilion in Brighton. It had been recommended by a friend of Becky's and from the outside it looked inviting. Inside the décor was interesting, huge blown up photos of Paris and Venice and London adorned the walls and large artificial fig trees grew out of the tables and were sprinkled with fairy lights, all very attractive. On a bench by the entrance sat a full size puppet of an elderly lady which was amusing and quirky.

We found a table and a waitress, (we'll call her Dizzy) who could hardly speak English, attempted to take our order. We asked her what the ‘specials’ that day were and I have no idea what she answered. So we ordered coffees while Becky went to look at the 'specials' board. This was hardly any clearer to understand and so we beckoned over the young waiter (we'll call him Smiler) who, although he spoke perfect English, informed us it was only his second day in the job. Dizzy brought the coffees. We had previously asked her to wait for Becky's order while she was looking at the 'specials' board and she said she would come back - but she never did.
So, we beckoned over Smiler again and ordered a Cappuccino for Becky. He had by then found out what the 'Specials' were and we put in our order. Fish and Chips, Moulles and Chips and for my other niece who is on a strange diet white bait and soup of the day (we asked for these to come all together) As it was Becky’s birthday we gave out her presents and cards and were laughing and clowning around in a jolly birthday kind of way when we noticed (or sensed perhaps) a strange presence, who although he was dressed as a waiter didn't seem to be doing much waiting, unless you count waiting around and occasionally wiping dishes with a white cloth. He had a strange hunched stance and kept nodding his head in a peculiar way at customers and grinning in a ghoulish fashion. (We’ll call him Igor)

We had by then been there about half an hour and were beginning to feel hungry. In the far corner of the room was a service bar where 2 young men (who looked about 12) were plating up food onto which they seemed to be sprinkling copious amounts of salad dressing. We kept looking over expectantly hoping to see our order appear. After 3/4 hour we asked Smiler if our food would be long having noticed numerous orders of Paninis and such like being served to people who had arrived a long time after us. He said he would enquire. Five minutes later he came back and informed us that there were problems in the kitchen because the Chef had walked out that morning but we would be served as soon as possible.

We waited a further fifteen minutes and I called over Smiler again, he squatted down beside us at the table and apologised profusely about the delay. I said to Becky shall we have some wine. She agreed and Smiler returned with two very large glasses of white wine which he said were on the house because of the wait. We drank the wine which was very good and waited. All this time Igor continued nodding and grinning and wiping and unnerving the customers.

Just then a sinister looking man entered the restaurant; he was very tall and very fat and wearing a floor length leather jacket. He walked up to the service bar and spoke to the two twelve year-olds (who were still sprinkling) He then went round the back of the bar and returned out front 5 minutes later sporting a chef's hat.
Oh well, we thought, he might look strange but at last a chef had arrived, maybe we would soon be served. After a further 20 minutes I saw some Moulles and a plate of something golden brown appear on the service bar, hooray I thought, our food at last! But alas no, the food was taken and served by Igor to the table just in front of ours, they had only been waiting about half an hour, the food into which they, with no conscience whatsoever, proceeded to tuck in.

We were all feeling slightly hysterical by now not to mention drunk from wine on an empty stomach. I called over Smiler again and he squatted down next to the table again and apologised again and told us that they had just served our food to the wrong table (which we had already guessed) and what was more the soup that was on when we arrived was now off!!

It was just about then that I felt as though we had wandered into an Alan Bennet play or that we were part of Victoria Wood's 'Two Soups' sketch.

We were now giggling hysterically when Smiler returned and I shared my thoughts with him, he smiled and told us covertly that the man with the Leather Jacket had just walked in off the street with his CV and they had asked him to start immediately. Due to shock we giggled even louder (if somewhat hollowly). I asked Smiler if he was going to come back the next day. He smiled and said probably not.

Poor lad kept smiling attentively and apologising and I suggested that perhaps we ought to just leave. He said he quite understood if we did but he would really like it if we stayed. Because we had waited so long it was hardly worth going somewhere else and there was also a kind of morbid fascination with the whole situation.
The table in front of us (who had eaten our order) were now complaining about the food, this rankled with me and I thought “you've eaten our bloody food so shut up bloody complaining!”

In desperation I called over Igor, who stopped wiping for a moment and nodded in response, he then sloped over and hovered near me, his uneven teeth exposed in a ghastly grin. I ordered more wine. Informing him, nervously, that it was on the house!

The wine arrived and to our amazement so did Kim’s Whitebait, great we thought our’s would follow shortly but alas no. We watched Kim with drooling mouths, eat her Whitebait, and by then Becky and I were laughing almost insanely.

Kim had had to change her order to chips instead of the soup (which was on but was now off) to arrive at the same time as the whitebait, needless to say they didn’t arrive. Another table, who had also obviously ordered something more complicated than Panini’s, were looking pretty fed up too. Igor continued to nod his bald head and grin and wipe, Dizzy continued to talk incomprehensibly to customers and wander about in a daze and Smiler continued to smile apologetically, but still didn’t bring our order.

The irony was that Becky had asked to meet us early as she was going out that night and her friends were all coming round before hand for drinks and nibbles and she didn't want to spoil her appetite for the lovely nibbles by having lunch too late!
Up until then we had been, if somewhat hysterical, in pretty good spirits, our interchanges with Smiler had been good humoured because we prided ourselves ,as a family, to always see the funny side of things (or maybe because we were drunk). But then, finally our food arrived.

It was horrible, the chips were tasteless and greasy, the fish overdone and the sauce for the moulles had no flavour whatsoever. We ate in silence having finally run out of laughter. We had walked in there at 1pm and the time was now 3.45pm. We ate quickly because we were starving, asked for the bill, paid half of it, left very honest and brutal comments on the feedback card, gave Smiler a big tip and advised him to find another job and left the restaurant. It was 4pm.

I only wish that I had stuck a notice on the old lady puppet saying “I WAS A YOUNG WOMAN WHEN I ARRIVED AND I AM STILL WAITING TO BE SERVED!

Later that evening Becky texted me to say she kept giggling throughout the day about Igor and co and hadn't laughed so much in ages. She had had a great birthday!

I went past the restaurant the next day and there was a blackboard outside saying “New Chef!!” I looked in the window and Smiler was still there. Still smiling.

Funding for Older People's Charities

It has been a long time since I last posted but I have been busy busy busy. I am proud to be still working for a charity for older pople. But there is sad news I'm afraid. There are several services we have not been able to get funding for. Those include toe nail cutting, befriending and advocacy. As a result we are going to have to charge for these services or lose them altogether which would be a great loss to older people in the community. Also the latter would mean, almost certainly, redundancies for important and valuable members of staff.

For many house-bound older people, receiving a 'befriender' into their homes is the only person that they see from one month to another. A friendly face to chat to them, make them a cup of tea, listen to their worries. It is vital to their well being. Also the Advocacy Service offers them a voice when they have no voice, a person they can trust, who will stand up for them and confront people they do not have the strength or confidence to confront. To help them with form filling, help them to understand difficult documents, to protect them from bogus people or neighbours who might take advantage of them. It will be a sad loss indeed. How can we ask these people to pay for this service when they often are already in debt or confusion and in need of financial help and advice?

Fund raising is the possible answer, but on an enormous scale. The local authorities, because of the cuts, cannot fund these services anymore, as a result, this is a sad day for the older members of our society.

And so to work ...

It is really hard to believe but I have been offered a full-time paid job!!!!

After years of depression, anxiety, lack of confidence I finally managed to pull off two interviews in two weeks, the first I came a close second, apparently, and the second I was offered the job. It is nothing short of a miracle. Not well paid but at last I will be solvent again. A fully paid up member of society.

I don't say it is not going to be hard but I will do my best and hope in time I will pick up the basics. Anyway it is cause for celebration.

So cheers everyone xx

Women's Refuge Chief Hands Back OBE

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2011/feb/15/women-refuge-chief-protest-cuts

So the vulnerable are to be hit again, this time not by a husband or lover but by the 'Big Society' I wonder how you would feel Cameron if you had watched your father beat your mother to a pulp?

If you have then you should be ashamed. If you haven't then you should still be ashamed.

Take the time to read the comments attached to this link, some of them take my breath away.

The worse and the best of weeks

Those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning will know my story. Last week began a whole new chapter. The man, that I was escaping from when I entered the Refuge, has been charged with rape and his poor victim tragically died. The cause of her death is not yet known. Further tests are being carried out. He was originally arrested for her murder but has not been charged. Her injuries were found to be as a result of being raped. This poor woman was a mother of three children and it is believed she may have met him on the internet. I am in shock and can't believe that I ever had anything to do with such a monster. It makes me feel unclean and tarnished for life. But I am being self pitying and what I am really is very lucky. My heart goes out to this poor women's children because he has ruined their lives too. I hope he goes away for a very very long time.

The good news is that I have applied for two full time jobs. Both are local, one is at the office where I do voluntary work. Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me and I will keep you posted. I haven't worked for such a long time, I can't remember what it feels like to have a wage coming in.

Art-is-an enigma

Since leaving the Women's Refuge I have been steadily painting. I have even sold a couple. I would very much like to sell more (if they are good enough) but it is difficult when one has limited income to a) frame them and b) find an outlet.

I have received praise from friends and acquaintances but art is very personal and subjective. I am self taught and therefore I have had no training in technique, as a result, my paintings would be considered 'Naive' or 'Primitive' and as such I have no idea of how to price them.

I did have an outlet at a local cafe, but there has been a change of management and art is no longer something they wish to display on the walls. I am not particularly knowledgeable about creating my own Web Site, I have dabbled but got confused, so I gave up.

If anyone who is reading this can be of some help I would appreciate a little advice.

A walk by the river

Sunday was a beautiful day. Blue sky and a real warmth from the sun. I have been pretty inactive since Christmas so I decided to go for a walk along by the river in search of Sammy. I donned my jacket, scarf and gloves and my exceptionally attractive green walking shoes and set off.

To get to the river I had to walk through the town. I was feeling a little self conscious with regards to my attire. Stripey purple socks over leggings and of course the above green shoes. I wished for a dog as a companion and as an indicator of my purpose.

I managed to pass through the town unnoticed, in fact I did the noticing, I noticed several others dressed in similar attire. All had dogs.

The path through the wood was very wet and muddy, slipping and sliding my way through I came across a family. A young boy was crying because he had got his boot stuck in the mud and therefore his sock and jeans were soaking wet and caked with gunge. I heard him wail through his tears ' This is the worse thing that has happened to me in all my life'. Chuckling I carried on my way.

Ahead of me I saw several rabbits hopping into hiding , passing through the boggy area that leads up to the river bank I spotted a Reed Bunting among the reeds and rushes. On reaching the river two swans were feeding on the mud flats and as always gulls and crows weaved and called above me. The sun was warm and I felt at peace with the world.

I strided on keeping a close watch on the river in case of a sudden dog-like head surfacing. I passed the moored boats, which seemed to be a favourite fishing ground for Sammy last year, but sadly no sign of him. I walked on for a further mile or so with only the sighting of a couple of dippers to brighten the river landscape. I decided to turn around as my tummy was rumbling and the vegetable soup that I had made earlier was definitely calling.

On the way back, beside one of the little riverlets, I spotted a heron, it seemed like a garden ornament in its stillness. Passing Sammy's feeding ground once more I stopped for a while and ate a few squares of chocolate. But finally I decided he wasn't coming and it was time to call it a day.

On re-entering the High Street, no longer self conscious because my green walking shoes were now a satisfactory muddy brown, I decided to treat myself to a coffee and a read of the Sunday Papers in 'Bill's'. The coffee was good and strong and as I cast my eyes around I noticed the woman from the Sainsbury's Ads and her daughter on the table next to mine. I observed them for a while then downed my coffee, sneaked an article from the Observer Review into my pocket and headed for home.

Bah! Humbug!

Well that's that then. Another year over (thank goodness) This year has GOT to be better than last.

How ungrateful I am. Last year brought me the best gift of all, a new grandson. So why the Bah! Humbug, you might ask? Well, the new government reduced my benefits by half and the possibility of finding work by 100000000 per cent. I have not managed to stop smoking. I have not managed to lose 2 stone. I have not managed to find the man of my dreams and I have not managed to improve my social life.

I spent New Year's Eve alone AGAIN! I went to bed at eleven. No parties to go to. No-one to go to the pub with.

Today I feel very down and just glad the whole thing is over and done with.

Think yourself lucky, you might think. You have a roof over your head and a lovely family. Well yes, and that makes me feel even worse. I have many things to be grateful for but I just feel downright miserable.

I did try. I put up decorations, bought everyone a present however small. I lit candles and tried to make my home pretty and welcoming but somehow this Christmas it just didn't work. Try as I might I just couldn't rise to the occasion.

So goodbye 2010 and good riddance. Hello 2011, umm well, lets see shall we...

Man's best friend ...

Sadly, just recently, my brother's much loved dog 'Adelaide' died. He lives alone and works alone and Adelaide was his 'pal'. She was adored by all the family, there was just something special about her. Casper, his cat, is also very sad, they loved one another and shared a basket. My brother has had to put a cushion in the basket for him to cuddle up to at night.

He has now decided that he would like another dog and apparently he is looking for an Irish Terrier. I have searched in vain on google. I think my searching prowess is pretty lacking. He is looking to find one in the South East. If there is anyone out there who is reading this and knows of any breeders in this part of the country then could you let me know. I long to see him with a dog again. He lives in a very rural part of East Sussex and has always had a dog. He said that he went for a walk the other day and turned back because there didn't seem any point without 'Adelaide.'

Quote of the week ...

From the first ever episode of Coronation Street

Ena Sharples " hear you're from Esmerelda street then - mmmmm very bay window round there "

Two feet of snow here...

The reason I write ...

When I started this blog it was as a result of having spent time in a women's refuge and I wanted to tell my story to help other people in abusive situations. Since then I have blogged about the aftermath of my experience, the repossession of my flat, my struggles financially, my depression and my coming out from under it all bit by bit. My painting, my beautiful grandson, the support from my friends and family. The pleasure and humour that I get from the world around me and all the little bits and pieces that go to make up an ordinary day in my life. For those popping in for the first time, especially those who have experienced or are experiencing domestic violence, please read back to the beginning of this blog. It might help you to see that there is a life after violence. Speak out, don't suffer in silence, get help today, you can escape!

Press on my 'Refuge' link and find out how. They are there to help you and they will. They are amazing women who will be with you every step of the way. Get help today!

What a drama...

One afternoon thirty five years ago my sister was visiting my mum in the village of Blackham in East Sussex. My mum was complaining that since the village school had closed and the attendance at the local church had reduced considerably there was no longer a 'heart' to the village. My sister, being an organised and innovative soul, suggested that what the village needed was a Drama Group. I was duly contacted and roped in and as a result the Blackham Country Players was born.

At first the members were an odd assortment of characters from the village or connected to the village in some way. These included people aged from 8 to 80. My great Aunt was the aforementioned Octogenarian who had considerable trouble remembering her lines. So ingeniously we gave her a fox fur collar to wear with her lines written on the inside so that every time she forgot her lines she could adjust it about her shoulders and read the forgotten words. My sister was the Producer/Director, my dad the Stage Manager, my mum and I acted and my brother helped back stage. When we did a pantomime, and we did many over the years, my sons and my nieces and nephews played the parts of an assortment of villagers, fairies, elves, goslings etc. etc. I played Magicians, Dames, Principle Boys and many many comic parts over time. My mother had perfect comedy timing and often stole the show.

When the group started it was all about fun and bringing the village together but as the years went by the standard of acting improved so, as well as a yearly panto, we would put on plays. These were mostly comedies but occasionally we would tackle something of a serious nature.We entered a couple of times for a local drama festival and did extremely well winning Best Set, second in Best Drama and also second in Best Comedy.

We started on a shoe string sewing together old bed sheets and dying them for the backdrops and the stage was absolutely minute. Many hilarious incidents occurred off stage and on over the years. Collapsing scenery, rubber noses dropping off mid sentence, a beanstalk that refused to grow, there was a sixty year old Tinkerbell in Peter Pan played by one of the village eccentrics who later played the part of a wicked witch. She had a bit of a problem with personal hygiene and brought the house down by waving her wand and proclaiming loudly

"...and now my nasty smell has broken"

Sadly my sister went to live in Belgium after about 8 years and my dad died in 1984 but I stayed with the group until my mum died back in 1997.

However I am delighted to say that the group is still going strong and on Saturday evening I went back to watch them perform and they did what they do best, they made people laugh. I am so glad that even after all this time Blackham Country Players is still all about the village and having fun.

And yes, my sister did bring the 'heart' back to the village by starting up this Drama Group. Village communities are dying everywhere but this is one that is very much still alive and kicking.

Two handsome/cool Dudes!

My youngest son Adam and his hoody nephew Joe (my grandson) Both so gorgeous (-:

I was just thinking, I wonder if it will snow tonight? The clouds were pink earlier and it is certainly cold enough. It would be so magical if my grandson's first Christmas was a 'White' one. Of course he will be too young to appreciate it but I'm sure it would make it very special for my eldest son and his wife. I will be visiting them on Christmas day and whatever happens it will be very special for me too, especially after all that they have been through. Poor little Joe is still suffering badly from 'Baby Reflux' and has had three fainting episodes as a result. They have been referred to a specialist and hopefully he/she will get to the bottom of it. If anyone reading this has any experience of this condition I would appreciate your comments.

When I think about how wonderfully caring and loving my son and his wife are with each other and with Joe it makes my next paragraph all the more poignant and all the more important. So please read on.

Talking of things white, today is white ribbon day. A day to recognise and think about those who are victims of 'Domestic Violence'. www.womankind.org.uk/white-ribbon-campaign.html

Last night brought good news for sufferers of abuse, new legislation will go ahead to remove a perpetrator from the home for up to 4 weeks following an assault or fear of one, see link below :-

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/new-powers-to-tackle-domestic-violence-2142971.html

If you are a victim of Domestic Abuse, please take heart from this new legislation, it will give you a breathing space and enough time to make plans and to get help. Always remember, there is help out there. See the link on my Home Page to REFUGE. Always ask for help and tell somebody what is happening. Even though 'the abuser' might try to convince you otherwise you do not deserve it!!!

Old friends...

When I was at Grammar School I had two very close friends, we hung around together, borrowed each other's clothes, swapped each other's boyfriends, planned to change the world and swore unending friendship. When we left school we went our separate ways. I stayed in touch with one ( Deb) and lost touch with the other(Gina). Over the years Deb and I learned that Gina has MS and try as we might to find her she proved very elusive. Lo and behold on my birthday this year I got a card with her email address on it via Deb who is the only one of us who has stayed at one address all these years.

I was delighted and we have corresponded ever since. It is wonderful to be in touch again after all this time. She speaks nothing of her illness and I respect that and have not mentioned it either. I have however, told her of my depression, it is part of who I am and as such I think it is important to talk about it. She may think that I have little to be depressed about, in comparison to her health problems I know I should think myself lucky, actually on good days I do think myself lucky. On bad days I don't.




'Despair' by Edvard Munch.



















But right now I think myself so very lucky to have found her again. I hope she stays in touch this time.

Trying to be a good nanny...

My week end was a strange one. Because I live quite a long way from my grandson and because times is 'ard, I have to stay with my son and daughter-in-law when I visit. This is both good and bad. It means I get to spend two or three days with gorgeous little Joe but this inevitably puts a strain on a household adjusting to a new baby.

Joe is suffering from both colic and, more problematical, reflux. This means that to lie on his back causes him to get all choked up and is very distressing for both him and his parents. The result is he has to be kept upright. This means that at night he sleeps with one or the other of them and because of fear of smothering him they take it in turns to stay awake.

They are both absolutely shattered. Before Joe was born they lost two babies in a particularly distressing way and this adds to my daughter-in-law's anxiety. My son does most of the night shifts so that his wife can get some sleep. She is breast feeding and this is the only time that Joe sleeps for very long as he cries a lot during the day due to his colic. How my son manages to do his job amazes me. He looks dreadful, he does all the cooking and shopping and makes sure that his wife gets rest at every opportunity. He is such a good husband and father I am in awe. But I worry that something will have to give.

When I stay I try to help as much as I can. I tried doing the night shift but my daughter-in-law was so worried that I would fall asleep she couldn't sleep either so it was a wasted attempt. I did the washing and cooked the evening meals and took Joe out as much as I could to give her a break but I was very aware that having another person in the house was putting a strain on things.

If I were to live nearby I would pop in and out when it suited them, as it is, I will have to stay away for a little while to give them space to work things out by themselves. I will miss Joe and I will worry about them all but at present I think this is the best thing to do.

AWWW

Just because every time I look at him it makes me smile (-:

Little Joe

On 12th August 2010 my beautiful grandson Joseph was born. He was long awaited as my son and his wife had previously lost two babies. He weighed in at a magnificent 10lb 1oz to the utter joy and delight of us all.

I cannot begin to say what his birth has meant to me, it has been one pure golden light at the end of a very long tunnel and I will bring you bulletins on a regular basis about his progress.

Unfortunately he is suffering from a lot of tummy pain at the moment and this is causing him and his parents some distress but he has been prescribed something by the doctor for reflux and so we are hoping things will soon settle down. Lack of sleep is causing anxiety for the mum and this in turn is causing my son concern for her.

The first few months are always hard with a new baby, especially the first and I wish them all the luck in the world with this marvellous little miracle.

Nature's Bounty

I have been having a tricky time just recently. I had my incapacity benefit suspended after a medical assessment under the new government ruling. At the time my Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit were also suspended. I therefore had no income of any kind which has been very worrying. I have been to the Council Offices, the CAB, the Job Centre, everywhere and anywhere in order to understand what benefits I should now apply for pending an appeal. The letters were all so ambiguous and I didn't know which form to fill in.

At the same time I had an exploratory procedure to determine whether some post menopausal bleeding was anything to worry about. The procedure showed up a thickening of the womb lining and I had to have a general anaesthetic to take a deeper look and a biopsy of the lining.

This has all been quite traumatic and on the day before my operation a friend was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. This brought my own concerns to the fore and I was a bit emotional that evening.

The next day I heard that my Housing Benefit and Council Tax benefit had been re-instated which was a relief as my rent was pending. I went off for my op and the doctor says everything looks fine and although they took a biopsy he felt there was nothing to worry about. This was a great relief too.

So yesterday, a friend and I went for a long walk in the sunshine along the river Ouse, we saw Egrets and a Heron, shoals of Grey Mullet and Dippers skimming the water. The trees through the woods are starting to change colour and there is an abundance of berries of every kind. Blackberries, Elderberries, Rose Hips, and some beautiful translucent scarlet berries which I have since discovered are Guelder Rose Berries.





I even caught the sun on my face and I felt really lucky and glad to be alive on such a day.








Because of having to go into hospital I couldn't attend a friend's launch party for the Somerset Arts week Exhibition . She is an artist of the most exquisite kind see here . The Exhibition is from Saturday 18th September until 3rd October,11 am till 6pm. (closed Mondays) here