Two handsome/cool Dudes!

My youngest son Adam and his hoody nephew Joe (my grandson) Both so gorgeous (-:

I was just thinking, I wonder if it will snow tonight? The clouds were pink earlier and it is certainly cold enough. It would be so magical if my grandson's first Christmas was a 'White' one. Of course he will be too young to appreciate it but I'm sure it would make it very special for my eldest son and his wife. I will be visiting them on Christmas day and whatever happens it will be very special for me too, especially after all that they have been through. Poor little Joe is still suffering badly from 'Baby Reflux' and has had three fainting episodes as a result. They have been referred to a specialist and hopefully he/she will get to the bottom of it. If anyone reading this has any experience of this condition I would appreciate your comments.

When I think about how wonderfully caring and loving my son and his wife are with each other and with Joe it makes my next paragraph all the more poignant and all the more important. So please read on.

Talking of things white, today is white ribbon day. A day to recognise and think about those who are victims of 'Domestic Violence'. www.womankind.org.uk/white-ribbon-campaign.html

Last night brought good news for sufferers of abuse, new legislation will go ahead to remove a perpetrator from the home for up to 4 weeks following an assault or fear of one, see link below :-

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/new-powers-to-tackle-domestic-violence-2142971.html

If you are a victim of Domestic Abuse, please take heart from this new legislation, it will give you a breathing space and enough time to make plans and to get help. Always remember, there is help out there. See the link on my Home Page to REFUGE. Always ask for help and tell somebody what is happening. Even though 'the abuser' might try to convince you otherwise you do not deserve it!!!

A moment of respite

Well, I am free to roam the streets of Brighton once more.

I was contacted by the police on Friday to inform me that 'The Perpetrator' has been taken into custody until at least the 5th of January 2009.

This means that I can freely visit my friends in Brighton and even press my nose up against a few shop windows. I can wander through the North Lanes and stroll along the sea front without fear. It is a good feeling.

But...

I hope the crime he has been arrested for has not been against a woman.

I would hate to think my gain has been at another's expense.

Adapting to life in a refuge.

When I first arrived at the refuge I was pretty traumatised. I didn't know what to expect. Shabby surroundings, cramped and dirty rooms, deeply traumatised women, deprivation, anger, children running about clearly disturbed, these were some of the things I was dreading.

I arrived at a large Victorian detached house and my first impressions as I opened the front door were, clean, bright, spacious, light and airy and quiet!

The refuge was home for 6 women and their families. Boys over 14 were not allowed. No men must ever enter the premises unless they were workman vetted by the staff. We were to tell no-one the address and if we wanted to meet people it had to be away from the house and there was a specific dropping off place. This was for our own protection and of the others in the house. The idea was to prevent any of the perpetrators from finding out where we were living.

Believe me some of the perpetrators were so determined, they would use any method to find out the whereabouts of their victims. They would use private detectives, tap into bank accounts, ring social services or the job centre, they would contact inland revenue. They would pump and threaten friends and family, following them harassing them. It was vital that no information was leaked to anyone. We were not really supposed to tell anyone at all our whereabouts which was extremely difficult. We had to change our phone numbers and our mail was sent to a PO box address. The whole effect of this was disorientating, it was also one of isolation, loneliness and deceit.

The Final Chapters

I wrote to him straight away to end the relationship. The police had asked me not to tell him that I knew about his past because he too had rights and he may never offend again. They told me that they preferred that I told no-one except perhaps one close friend whom I could trust. So once again I began to live a lie. I told him that things were not working betweeen us and that I felt it best for both of us if I ended things. I wished him well and hoped he would, at last, be able to live a good life of freedom now that he was no longer on licence.

He was devastated, he wrote again and again begging me to stay. Then he said there was no point in living anymore. Then I got a phone call from the Prison Chaplin saying he was concerned for his state of mind and would I please talk to him. The police had advised that I cut off all contact. So I told the Chaplin I didn't wish to speak to him and that he had to accept it was over. This, of course, he wouldn't and his pleading turned to threats.

The Final Chapters part 2 - re-written

He had lent me some money, while he was in prison, I was struggling to pay my mortgage and he insisted that I use his money to pay my arrears. I resisted this offer until the Mortgage Company threatened me with repossession and then against my better judgment I accepted.

As soon as I borrowed this money, he began to use it against me. If I did anything wrong (in his eyes) he would say right I want my money back ‘Now’ and then you can ---- off. Of course, he knew I wasn’t in a position to pay him back and so this became yet another hold he had over me.

After I ended the relationship, when his pleas and outpourings of love and promises to change or to do anything that might change my mind, didn’t work. He began to threaten me that if I didn’t pay him back his money immediately he would come after me as soon as he was released. I told him I was in the throws of selling my flat and as soon as it was sold he would get his money. He accused me of stealing his money and that he would get revenge on me one way or another.

His release date was pending and so was Christmas and so I decided to go and stay with my sister for a while. It was suggested to me by the police that I leave before he got out for my own safety. This I duly did. Before I left England I borrowed money from a very kind friend in order to pay him back what I owed him. I wrote to him telling him that I would leave a cheque with the probation office for him to collect when he was released.

Just before Christmas I received a phone call, in Belgium, from the police to say that he had broken into my flat and stolen my mail. He had strewn it all along the streets. He had been arrested, charged and released on bail. He told the police he was looking for money.

He started harassing my friends to try to find out where I was living. He asked them for my phone number claiming that I still owed him money. He told them I owed him 400 pounds for phone calls he had made to me whilst he was in prison and that I also owed him for the Christmas and birthday presents that he had bought me. He went round to the house of a frail friend of mine who had recently been in hospital. I had told this friend what was going on and I said if 'he' turned up he was not to pass on my number. But in his fear and confusion he gave him my new number instead of my old one.

As a result I received a phone call from him. It was such a shock. I hadn’t spoken to him since I last visited him in Highpoint Prison, before the police had told me what he’d done.
I was quite shaken and taken off guard. I asked him how he had found out my number, he said there are ways and means and he would always find me. I guessed he had visited one of my friends and so I took a deep breath and told him if he ever contacted my friends or family again I would tell the police, with that I hung up and removed my sim card.

I informed the police but there was nothing they could do but they hoped that when his case came to court for stealing my mail he would be warned never to come near me again. But in the mean-time he was free to roam the streets and harass my friends. They made it clear that they believed it was no longer safe for me to return to my flat.

I was due back in England shortly; I couldn’t stay at my sisters indefinitely. It was suggested to me by the victim support unit that I go into a women’s refuge.

I just couldn’t understand how any of this could be happening. I was just an ordinary member of society. People like me didn't end up in a women's refuge. I had never been on the wrong side of the law. My only mistake was getting involved with someone like him. I didn’t want to leave my home, my friends, my life. It wasn’t right or fair that I had to and yet when I thought of what he had done to those women I was too scared to risk it. I knew, as I knew the sun would rise in the morning, that if I went back to the flat he would come round and bang on the door, he would shout and curse and threaten me. But worse than this, I was frightened that he might be around any corner in the street or that he would come up behind me one day.

Two weeks later I moved into the refuge.

The tale unfolds

Finally he gets a release date - early December!

One afternoon in late October I receive a visit from the police. They had rung beforehand saying they wanted to discuss a statement I had made about a man I had seen downloading child pornography in an Internet cafe. I waited in for them and when they arrived they said that unfortunately they had not been able to find this man. But they also wished to discuss another matter with me. I went a bit cold because 'He' had been threatening to harm himself and I thought maybe something had happened to him or I had a couple of parking fines outstanding and was worried it was about that.

It was 'him' they wanted to talk to me about. They asked me if I knew the reason he was in prison.

I said I had been told it was because he was intimidating to his probation officer and a member of staff. They said did I realise what he was originally in prison for and I said "well he hadn't really told me but had implied it was for burglary or stealing or something similar."

They then told me that he was a serial, violent, sex offender, particular against prostitutes and he had been offending since he was 17. This meant 25 years of abusing women! They had informed me because they feared for my safety as he was considered to be a very dangerous man. I was absolutely shattered. Of all the things I had thought he had done this had never even entered my head. I was really really shocked, my whole world was turned upside down. All the time I had been with this man and I really didn't know him at all.....

The horror story now evolves

His appeal finally arrived!

Hoping it might help I wrote a letter to the Prison Governor on his behalf. Telling him that he had turned over a new leaf and that I was a good, decent and honest citizen with a degree and no previous contact with anyone the wrong side of the law. I told him that he now had a job and a steady girl-friend and that I believed he was determined to be a decent member of society from now on.

He was turned down on the grounds that he had been intimidating to his probation officer and a member of staff.

I found out at this time that he had been out on licence and still had nine months of that licence to serve and these would now be served in prison.

He became more angry and despondent. Talking about suicide and accusing me of sleeping around. Then alternating this with claims of eternal love and apologies. He became obsessed with sex and wanted me to write about my fantasies for him to read to keep him going in prison. He wrote and told me his and he liked to talk about what we would do when he came home.

I was getting a little uncomfortable with his erratic behaviour but kept putting it down to his being in prison while I was outside and free to do whatever I liked. In a sense I understood his insecurity.

I kept trudging all the way up to Highpoint Prison, near New market. A horrible place. It would take me most of the day to get there and back and then when I arrived I was subjected to searches and sniffer dogs and the company of people I would cross the road to avoid in normal circumstances.

We would then have just one and a half hours together.

He would want to talk about our future together. Marriage and living together in my flat. I would avoid the subject because as I had told him numerous times. I wasn't ready for that yet. We had only known each other a short time before he went inside and the situation we were in was not 'real' and we needed to have some more time together on the outside to see how it went. He said I should know how I felt by now and so often our visits were fraught and tense. Also he wanted to kiss and hold me all the time and we were only supposed to hold hands. The Prison staff were watching us all the time.

I hated every minute of those visits.

A love story continued

Three months into the relationship I received a phone call late one night. It was him, he was ringing to tell me that there had been a big mistake and he was being taken back into prison. He was in tears and saying he was so sorry over and over again. He said he had no idea why this was happening as he had done nothing wrong, that it was all a mistake and as soon as this was discovered he would be released. He also said that he expected me to end things with him and that he understood. I, like a fool, said I would stand by him, which I duly did.

From then on the life of a prisoners moll was the life I would lead for the next nine months. Having never set foot inside a prison before this was quite a difficult and frightening experience to begin with. Also, he continued to re-assure me that it was all a mistake and he would be appealing and would be home soon. He had told me, in the first instance, that he wanted to never be judged by his past again and he didn't want people to know that he had been in prison and so I didn't tell anyone. I pretended that he was working away and every so often I went to visit him. It was really horrible living a lie but I wanted him to be able to trust me to be loyal to him.

The months went by and still no release. We wrote to each other every day and he rang me almost every night. I only had a mobile and so I had to receive his calls from a local phone box. Occasionally I just couldn't get there at the right time and he would be very angry. His letters started to be more demanding and controlling. I tried to justify this by the fact that he was stuck in prison unfairly and I was outside and free. But the tone of his calls and letters changed and he started to use emotional blackmail and accused me of seeing other people.

These letters would be interspersed with letters telling me how much he loved me and that he wanted to marry me, that no-one else had ever meant so much to him. That no-one else had ever stood by him. He said that an ex-girlfriend had been having an affair all the time he was in prison in the past and yet had continued to visit him and pretend everything was OK. Because of this I forgave him his jealousy and controlling behaviour...

Girl on the run explains...

This is by way of an introduction. You might wonder why Girl on the Run? Well the truth is I am in hiding.

No this is not a story.

It is unfortunately my life at the moment. You might argue that all of life is a story, well if that is the case then mine is a highly charged nail biter.

I met a guy, not my usual type, a bit rough around the edges, but he was really keen.

I had been on my own for a long time and I was pretty lonely. We met a couple of times and then he lost my phone number. To my complete amazement he posted a notice on the lamp-post, at the bottom of the road where I was living, begging me to phone him as he was desperate to keep in touch with me. It was very romantic and I was bowled over.

After a while he told me a very sad story.

He had been put into care when he was seven because his mother couldn't cope. He was abused and beaten in care, and having become brutalised he continued to get into trouble ended up in a young offenders institution and then prison.

He expected me to finish with him when he told me all this but I didn't. I was going to be the one person who stood by him, the one person who would really care about him. I would save him. He said he wanted to make a fresh start, he had a job, wanted to have a girlfriend and settle down into an ordinary life.

Unfortunately that is not the complete story. Neither of his story, nor of mine. I will post more later.