Was I to blame?

When the police first told me about 'him' my emotions were very mixed. I was shocked, but I also felt very sad. What had happened to this man in his early years to turn him into this twisted, violent person? Why did he 'hate' women so much that he wanted to hurt and abuse them in this way? Was every woman the mother who had rejected him? Were his experiences so bad when he was in care that it had damaged him so badly?

However, I now knew I was not the one who could help him. I couldn't be with someone who had done those things and therefore on top of my horror I felt guilt. I felt that I was yet another woman who was going to let him down. Another woman who was rejecting him and it would always be thus. I realised he would never have an ordinary life. He would always be on the edges of society. His life , if he managed to stay out of prison, would be full of anger and mistrust and hopelessness. There seemed no hope for him at all now. He would never ask for help. The damage was cut too deep. I could only hope that he would never hurt another woman. My fear was that he would feel even more anger towards my sex now and I would be to blame.

When I wrote the letter ending the relationship I felt terrible. I knew how he would react and when the Chaplin rang to tell me he might harm himself I was full of fear and guilt and remorse.

He replied, enclosing a copy of a poem I had written him, underlining the words about helping him to change, about standing by him. I felt dreadful, I had betrayed him like everyone else.

But of course, he knew this would be how I would feel, he knew I was a soft touch, he had always known. That was why he was able to get under my skin. That was why he had got the Chaplin to ring me. He had never had any intention of harming himself. People like him never do. They manipulate, they direct their anger outwards to the weak, the vulnerable, the forgiving. They are bullies of the worse kind. I hated myself for letting him into my life .....