Man's best friend ...

Sadly, just recently, my brother's much loved dog 'Adelaide' died. He lives alone and works alone and Adelaide was his 'pal'. She was adored by all the family, there was just something special about her. Casper, his cat, is also very sad, they loved one another and shared a basket. My brother has had to put a cushion in the basket for him to cuddle up to at night.

He has now decided that he would like another dog and apparently he is looking for an Irish Terrier. I have searched in vain on google. I think my searching prowess is pretty lacking. He is looking to find one in the South East. If there is anyone out there who is reading this and knows of any breeders in this part of the country then could you let me know. I long to see him with a dog again. He lives in a very rural part of East Sussex and has always had a dog. He said that he went for a walk the other day and turned back because there didn't seem any point without 'Adelaide.'

Quote of the week ...

From the first ever episode of Coronation Street

Ena Sharples " hear you're from Esmerelda street then - mmmmm very bay window round there "

Two feet of snow here...

The reason I write ...

When I started this blog it was as a result of having spent time in a women's refuge and I wanted to tell my story to help other people in abusive situations. Since then I have blogged about the aftermath of my experience, the repossession of my flat, my struggles financially, my depression and my coming out from under it all bit by bit. My painting, my beautiful grandson, the support from my friends and family. The pleasure and humour that I get from the world around me and all the little bits and pieces that go to make up an ordinary day in my life. For those popping in for the first time, especially those who have experienced or are experiencing domestic violence, please read back to the beginning of this blog. It might help you to see that there is a life after violence. Speak out, don't suffer in silence, get help today, you can escape!

Press on my 'Refuge' link and find out how. They are there to help you and they will. They are amazing women who will be with you every step of the way. Get help today!

What a drama...

One afternoon thirty five years ago my sister was visiting my mum in the village of Blackham in East Sussex. My mum was complaining that since the village school had closed and the attendance at the local church had reduced considerably there was no longer a 'heart' to the village. My sister, being an organised and innovative soul, suggested that what the village needed was a Drama Group. I was duly contacted and roped in and as a result the Blackham Country Players was born.

At first the members were an odd assortment of characters from the village or connected to the village in some way. These included people aged from 8 to 80. My great Aunt was the aforementioned Octogenarian who had considerable trouble remembering her lines. So ingeniously we gave her a fox fur collar to wear with her lines written on the inside so that every time she forgot her lines she could adjust it about her shoulders and read the forgotten words. My sister was the Producer/Director, my dad the Stage Manager, my mum and I acted and my brother helped back stage. When we did a pantomime, and we did many over the years, my sons and my nieces and nephews played the parts of an assortment of villagers, fairies, elves, goslings etc. etc. I played Magicians, Dames, Principle Boys and many many comic parts over time. My mother had perfect comedy timing and often stole the show.

When the group started it was all about fun and bringing the village together but as the years went by the standard of acting improved so, as well as a yearly panto, we would put on plays. These were mostly comedies but occasionally we would tackle something of a serious nature.We entered a couple of times for a local drama festival and did extremely well winning Best Set, second in Best Drama and also second in Best Comedy.

We started on a shoe string sewing together old bed sheets and dying them for the backdrops and the stage was absolutely minute. Many hilarious incidents occurred off stage and on over the years. Collapsing scenery, rubber noses dropping off mid sentence, a beanstalk that refused to grow, there was a sixty year old Tinkerbell in Peter Pan played by one of the village eccentrics who later played the part of a wicked witch. She had a bit of a problem with personal hygiene and brought the house down by waving her wand and proclaiming loudly

"...and now my nasty smell has broken"

Sadly my sister went to live in Belgium after about 8 years and my dad died in 1984 but I stayed with the group until my mum died back in 1997.

However I am delighted to say that the group is still going strong and on Saturday evening I went back to watch them perform and they did what they do best, they made people laugh. I am so glad that even after all this time Blackham Country Players is still all about the village and having fun.

And yes, my sister did bring the 'heart' back to the village by starting up this Drama Group. Village communities are dying everywhere but this is one that is very much still alive and kicking.

Two handsome/cool Dudes!

My youngest son Adam and his hoody nephew Joe (my grandson) Both so gorgeous (-:

I was just thinking, I wonder if it will snow tonight? The clouds were pink earlier and it is certainly cold enough. It would be so magical if my grandson's first Christmas was a 'White' one. Of course he will be too young to appreciate it but I'm sure it would make it very special for my eldest son and his wife. I will be visiting them on Christmas day and whatever happens it will be very special for me too, especially after all that they have been through. Poor little Joe is still suffering badly from 'Baby Reflux' and has had three fainting episodes as a result. They have been referred to a specialist and hopefully he/she will get to the bottom of it. If anyone reading this has any experience of this condition I would appreciate your comments.

When I think about how wonderfully caring and loving my son and his wife are with each other and with Joe it makes my next paragraph all the more poignant and all the more important. So please read on.

Talking of things white, today is white ribbon day. A day to recognise and think about those who are victims of 'Domestic Violence'. www.womankind.org.uk/white-ribbon-campaign.html

Last night brought good news for sufferers of abuse, new legislation will go ahead to remove a perpetrator from the home for up to 4 weeks following an assault or fear of one, see link below :-

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/new-powers-to-tackle-domestic-violence-2142971.html

If you are a victim of Domestic Abuse, please take heart from this new legislation, it will give you a breathing space and enough time to make plans and to get help. Always remember, there is help out there. See the link on my Home Page to REFUGE. Always ask for help and tell somebody what is happening. Even though 'the abuser' might try to convince you otherwise you do not deserve it!!!

Old friends...

When I was at Grammar School I had two very close friends, we hung around together, borrowed each other's clothes, swapped each other's boyfriends, planned to change the world and swore unending friendship. When we left school we went our separate ways. I stayed in touch with one ( Deb) and lost touch with the other(Gina). Over the years Deb and I learned that Gina has MS and try as we might to find her she proved very elusive. Lo and behold on my birthday this year I got a card with her email address on it via Deb who is the only one of us who has stayed at one address all these years.

I was delighted and we have corresponded ever since. It is wonderful to be in touch again after all this time. She speaks nothing of her illness and I respect that and have not mentioned it either. I have however, told her of my depression, it is part of who I am and as such I think it is important to talk about it. She may think that I have little to be depressed about, in comparison to her health problems I know I should think myself lucky, actually on good days I do think myself lucky. On bad days I don't.




'Despair' by Edvard Munch.



















But right now I think myself so very lucky to have found her again. I hope she stays in touch this time.

Trying to be a good nanny...

My week end was a strange one. Because I live quite a long way from my grandson and because times is 'ard, I have to stay with my son and daughter-in-law when I visit. This is both good and bad. It means I get to spend two or three days with gorgeous little Joe but this inevitably puts a strain on a household adjusting to a new baby.

Joe is suffering from both colic and, more problematical, reflux. This means that to lie on his back causes him to get all choked up and is very distressing for both him and his parents. The result is he has to be kept upright. This means that at night he sleeps with one or the other of them and because of fear of smothering him they take it in turns to stay awake.

They are both absolutely shattered. Before Joe was born they lost two babies in a particularly distressing way and this adds to my daughter-in-law's anxiety. My son does most of the night shifts so that his wife can get some sleep. She is breast feeding and this is the only time that Joe sleeps for very long as he cries a lot during the day due to his colic. How my son manages to do his job amazes me. He looks dreadful, he does all the cooking and shopping and makes sure that his wife gets rest at every opportunity. He is such a good husband and father I am in awe. But I worry that something will have to give.

When I stay I try to help as much as I can. I tried doing the night shift but my daughter-in-law was so worried that I would fall asleep she couldn't sleep either so it was a wasted attempt. I did the washing and cooked the evening meals and took Joe out as much as I could to give her a break but I was very aware that having another person in the house was putting a strain on things.

If I were to live nearby I would pop in and out when it suited them, as it is, I will have to stay away for a little while to give them space to work things out by themselves. I will miss Joe and I will worry about them all but at present I think this is the best thing to do.

AWWW

Just because every time I look at him it makes me smile (-:

Little Joe

On 12th August 2010 my beautiful grandson Joseph was born. He was long awaited as my son and his wife had previously lost two babies. He weighed in at a magnificent 10lb 1oz to the utter joy and delight of us all.

I cannot begin to say what his birth has meant to me, it has been one pure golden light at the end of a very long tunnel and I will bring you bulletins on a regular basis about his progress.

Unfortunately he is suffering from a lot of tummy pain at the moment and this is causing him and his parents some distress but he has been prescribed something by the doctor for reflux and so we are hoping things will soon settle down. Lack of sleep is causing anxiety for the mum and this in turn is causing my son concern for her.

The first few months are always hard with a new baby, especially the first and I wish them all the luck in the world with this marvellous little miracle.

Nature's Bounty

I have been having a tricky time just recently. I had my incapacity benefit suspended after a medical assessment under the new government ruling. At the time my Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit were also suspended. I therefore had no income of any kind which has been very worrying. I have been to the Council Offices, the CAB, the Job Centre, everywhere and anywhere in order to understand what benefits I should now apply for pending an appeal. The letters were all so ambiguous and I didn't know which form to fill in.

At the same time I had an exploratory procedure to determine whether some post menopausal bleeding was anything to worry about. The procedure showed up a thickening of the womb lining and I had to have a general anaesthetic to take a deeper look and a biopsy of the lining.

This has all been quite traumatic and on the day before my operation a friend was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. This brought my own concerns to the fore and I was a bit emotional that evening.

The next day I heard that my Housing Benefit and Council Tax benefit had been re-instated which was a relief as my rent was pending. I went off for my op and the doctor says everything looks fine and although they took a biopsy he felt there was nothing to worry about. This was a great relief too.

So yesterday, a friend and I went for a long walk in the sunshine along the river Ouse, we saw Egrets and a Heron, shoals of Grey Mullet and Dippers skimming the water. The trees through the woods are starting to change colour and there is an abundance of berries of every kind. Blackberries, Elderberries, Rose Hips, and some beautiful translucent scarlet berries which I have since discovered are Guelder Rose Berries.





I even caught the sun on my face and I felt really lucky and glad to be alive on such a day.








Because of having to go into hospital I couldn't attend a friend's launch party for the Somerset Arts week Exhibition . She is an artist of the most exquisite kind see here . The Exhibition is from Saturday 18th September until 3rd October,11 am till 6pm. (closed Mondays) here

Escape to the country ...

I have recently had the pleasure of visiting my sister down in Dorset. It was a lovely yet emotional visit. My poor niece, who is suffering from some mysterious illness post Glandular Fever, made heroic efforts to be sociable and accompany me on sight seeing trips which of course she found exhausting. My son, who is at present suffering from a broken heart, also joined us and allowed me to be motherly and caring and although it was hard for him was comforted by being surrounded by a loving family. My brother and his daughter also came down and also my musical young nephew.

The week was clouded by fear for my sister's very poorly dog cocoa. Who at twelve and recently diagnosed with a tumour suddenly refused food or drink. Everyone prepared themselves for the worse when we took her to the vet but after a stay overnight and an anti-biotic rallied to her usual lovable self. Apparently she had an infection and all is well for the present.

While I was there my sister lent me a book which I have recently, reluctantly finished reading. It was a rare treat. An uplifting little book which was a cross between Cold Comfort Farm ( A favourite novel of mine) and a true historical account of life during occupation in WW2.

The Book is called The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, and was written by Mary Ann Shaffer (deceased) and finished by her niece Annie Barrows. It is a delightful story written in letter form, it is both warming and sad and also very funny. I felt as if I had actually met all the characters. I loved it!

I hope to return to Dorset very soon. I have such a wonderful family. When I am with them I feel as if I am in a book!

Seraphine

Last night I went with a close friend to see a film called 'Seraphine', it is a French film with subtitles, it is based on a true story about a simple cleaning woman in Northern France who has a rare artistic talent (played brilliantly by actress Yolande Moreau). Her canvases are discovered by chance by a famous German art critic, Wilhelm Uhde (Ulrich Tukur), when he happens to move to the area. He is already a champion for artists such as Picasso and Rousseau.

He begins purchasing and championing her work, though sadly his efforts on her behalf are interrupted by World War I.

After the war, the artist and her patron are reunited, with Seraphine finally achieving the fame and riches commensurate with her talents. Unfortunately, she's unable to handle her new found success and begins to suffer a devastating emotional unraveling which results in her admittance to a psychiatric hospital where she remains for the rest of her life.

Her name was Seraphine de Senlis and this is an example of her work, she made her own paints out of animal blood, flowers and candlewax and had no training at all - I think they are amazing.

Women's Aid

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/default.asp

Football violence --- in the home

I haven't posted for a while but this morning I heard some disturbing statistics, apparently, during the world cup in 2006, 25% more women reported incidents of Domestic Violence. Probably due to frustration and extra alchohol consumption.

Please, please, please, if this is happening to you then do get in touch with someone, there really is a lot of help out there if you can be brave enough to ask for it. Ring the Women's Aid Helpline, (I will find the number and put it up on here)

here

or contact 'Refuge' the link is on the right hand side of my home page. If not you can always send me a message in confidence, I am here to help if I can.

Don't despair!!! xxx

Killing time

Those of you who read my blog regularly will know that I am not working. After graduating from University this was originally not for want of trying. Then due to endless rejections and growing debt I became depressed and then found I couldn't work. The growing anxiety made attending interviews almost impossible. At this time I met the man who, in my early posts you will remember, was the reason for this blog's origin and title. As a result of becoming involved with him I ended up in a women's refuge. My depression at this time, as you might expect, became more acute. Then my home was repossessed and I lost a huge amount of money. I am now in a tiny one bedroom flat which I rent. I like my little flat but it isn't mine and I will probably never own a property again.

I would dearly like to believe that I will one day get a job that I enjoy and that will earn enough money that I can really enjoy the lovely things in life again. Things like holidays, the theatre, visiting people and places and buying lovely clothes and treating my sons and my friends.

Now this post might seem like a self pitying ramble, we all know people who are much much worse off than I am. I have my health, my children, friends, a roof over my head, I am surrounded by lovely countryside, I live in a pretty town. All of these things are great and I know I am lucky in many respects.

But the continual penny pinching, the always counting the days to my next benefit payment, the constant decisions as to whether I can have a bottle of wine or some decent food or neither is very wearing on my well being as well as my self esteem. I do a couple of afternoons as a volunteer for Age Concern and this helps me feel in a sense that I am working for my supper. But I no longer feel part of ordinary society. I can't afford a contract telephone and anyway because of the repossession and past debts wouldn't get a contract anyway. So I have a pay as you go mobile which is expensive and at times inconvenient for those who wish to contact me. All of these things serve to make a person feel isolated from the rest of society. I am in an awkward place to get tv channels so I can only get two channels clearly.

I am writing this blog because there must be thousands of people like me, or worse off. I AM lucky because of friends and family. Some people don't have these. I don't have a partner which can be pretty lonely at times, in fact I don't think I have much to bring to the table, but I don't live in a high rise flat where I am scared to step outside my door. There are many bad things said about those of us who are on benefits, But it is no great shakes believe me. My sense of purpose, focus, or even my sense of who I am has disappeared. I no longer have many choices and with that comes a sense of hopelessness.

I am having some cognitive behavioural therapy in the hope that I can get over my anxiety and go through an interview. I am on anti depressants and they help me to keep on an even keel. But at 55 my chances of getting a decent job are not that likely.

Things happen to people in life, and my friends would tell you I have managed pretty well considering, so for those people who believe that the unemployed are scroungers and are better off than those that are working long hours for a low pay, I would say, you just try it.

Love is in the air.

A while ago I lived in a big detached house with a half an acre garden, which was full of wild life. Common visitors were squirrels, hedgehogs, foxes and badgers. Birds of many varieties I fed regularly. On moving to my tiny flat on the second floor in the middle of a town, there has been very little wild life to see. There are of course gulls and crows and the odd little sparrow and last summer swifts regaled me with their intricate areal displays. But I am rather delighted to say that a pair of ring necked doves have taken up residence under the base of the fire escape just outside my kitchen window. I have been intrigued over the last week or so as to what they were up to, flying in and out of what seemed to be a very small gap and then at the weekend they were arriving with twigs in their beaks and appear to be building a nest. They are a sweet little couple who bill and coo in the, ever so slightly warmer, approaching spring air.

I believe these doves mate for life and this makes the story even more romantic. I will keep you posted over the next month or so as to the progress of this, quite handsomely dressed, obviously happy, pair of newly weds.

A geat band with an interesting message...

I thought this song and video would be relevent to the subject of Domestic Violence.

I'm so excited

I am sooooooooooooo excited. I have just spent half an hour watching a SEAL playing in the river!!!! He was just swimming around and diving and coming up and looking up at me (-: I was about 10 yards away. I just sat on a jetty and watched him for ages. Woo Hoo!!

I had been at work (cleaning) and the lady I clean for came rushing down the stairs saying, quick Sue look in the river, but he had gone )-: So I got her binoculars and I could see his head bobbing around in the distance. When I finished work I walked along the river bank and sure enough there he/she was (-: Fab !!




My mobile took a poor photo, looks like a tadpole )-:

The intelligence of birds ...

This morning I was up with the lark (well nearly). Why? Because I had to move my car. There had been a hard frost overnight, the pavements were all spangled and it took me a good ten minutes to clear my windscreen.

I returned to my little flat, out of breath because of the cold air. It felt warm and cosy and I made myself the first cup of tea of the day and sadly smoked my first cigarette.

Most mornings, after breakfast I throw the left over crusts and crumbs out onto the flat roof below my window for the gulls and crows.

This morning, I guess they must have seen my light on, as I was enjoying the above cup of tea and cigarette, there was a loud tapping on my window.

Oy, you in there, tap tap, we're hungry ...

Ring out the old...

Well it has been a while, not sure why. Christmas I suppose and all the leading up to it. Well it is over and not to sound too humbug I'm glad.

Last year had its moments of great sadness for my loved ones and I am pleased it is over.

One momentous thing that happened just before it ended was that I sold a painting. It was my first original sold to the general public and (even better) it was for reasonable money. It was an exciting and delightful moment. A real acknowledgement that others like my work. I'm pretty chuffed actually.

There is a lovely cafe, just around the corner from my flat, which has kindly allowed me to hang two of my paintings on the wall. They have been hanging there, among many others painted by local artists, for the last three months or so. It was of 'Sunflowers in a Terracotta Pot.' I therefore have done better than Vincent, even though there is no comparison, in selling at least one of my paintings before I die.

Just think how things come about. If I had not gone into 'The Refuge' I would never have realised I could paint. Thank you dear Alison!

The New Year will hopefully bring more of the same as the money is pretty useful. I intend to join an art class to learn how to be more free and experimental and to learn new techniques. I am self taught and my work is pretty naive.

A sad note is that I heard today that the above mentioned cafe is to close. She just couldn't make it pay. It is moving to Hove, so I hope to pop along there sometime in the future. If you are ever out that way, take a look. It is called 'The Artisan', the food is good and the staff are really friendly and the arty ambiance is really lovely. I do hope it works out for her.

I do hope the New Year brings better things for my loved ones and, selfishly, for little ol me too.

To those who are reading this my best wishes go to you too.

Happy New Year! xx